The Lesbian Social Network
I always say, to each his own when it comes to relationships. People always say that they would leave an abusive relationship, but would they really. Abuse comes in a variety of forms and people often judge relationships that they are not a part of. When it comes to relationships no one really knows what happens behind closed doors. Sometimes your heart says one thing and your mind says another. So tell me, what do you think?
I was in an abusive relationship for years.....Fact, physical abuse in most cases does not begin until the one in power has torn down the weaker one, destroyed their self confidence and gained control over fiancial control. What is left is a person who does not feel worthy of better or they they can take care of themselves, they are completely under the controllers power.
Would any healthy strong person stay...no, but truth is once under their control u r no longer healthy or strong. Abuse is a cycle and exceptionally hard to break. Those on the outside can not break the cycle only the one under the control can. That generally takes something huge, and even then some die by the hands of their lover or themselves.
Abusers have issues, but the abused do as well. It takes education, counseling a rebuilding of a person's self esteem to brea the cycle. It is very easy for someone that has no idea of what abuse really is to say no, I would never stand for that. Experience is quite another story.
Nothing good can come of staying, and once the persons feels ok with abusing you- its not going to change, I stayed for a while thinking i could change her, i felt i she needed me due to having such a bad past, but the truth is your a fool to think you cna change them or that things will change - if i had it all to do over i would have left sooner and I would have hit back>>
Heck to the no. Why? Because it is painful, for both sides, but more painful to the one getting abused. Steer clear.. find someone who cares enough to NOT hit you or talk down to you.
I wasn't in an abusive relationship, but my sister was and she would generally be a weaker person than me. He could charm his way out of anything, the abuse was physical, mental and emotional. My sister is my best friend 95% of the time so I couldnt let him carry on as she couldnt see him doing any wrong through the rose tinted glasses she was wearing so I stepped in. After I confronted him he tried to charm me, when that failed he tried to physically hurt me which I was expecting and I was able to react immediately. Then he tried to get me into trouble, so he stole restricted military equipment and planted them in my room. My best friend at the time was in the military police so she returned the equipment for me and got the case dropped as my prints weren't on anything and she knew that I would never steal, if it wasnt for her I would have been facing up to 5 years in prison. Eventually after 4 months more of telling my sister she was no good and that no one would ever have her we got rid of him.
This impacted me too, I lost confidence and became withdrawn. I am saying this to give the experience from the other side, we were incredibly lucky that he didn't get too far as I'm protective over my sister and I intervened quite quickly and helped her out of the relationship. It also has affected our family and 2 years later we are still trying to pick up the pieces. It can happen to the strongest person as I learnt, before my experience I thought abusive relationships happened very differently. I can't blame my sister as she was in love with him and because she has disabilities he took full advantage of her
Unfortunately, abusive relationships rarely start out as such. Often times, abusers are some of the most charismatic, personable people you will ever meet. There are steps to an abusive relationship....
You meet the person of your dreams. They are kind, caring, and compliment you. They constantly tell you how lucky they are to have you in their life and that they don't deserve you. They tell you that you are everything to them.
When you go somewhere without them, they constantly call or text you. These texts may not be malicious, but will simply say things like, I love you, I miss you, When are you coming home, Where are you, What are you doing...all while refusing to go out with your friends. They may even be insistent that you spend time with your friends without them, but they seldom go anywhere without you.
When your friends start commenting aboout the strange behaviour, the abuser will frequently say things like "They just don't like me" or "They are trying to tear us apart" or even "They are just jealous of how happy we are"
They may start showing up randomly when they know where you are going to be, for example, surprising you when you are ending your shift at work by waiting for you outside, wanting to drive you to and from places all the time (thus leaving you without a vehicle and totally dependant on them)
Now at this point in your relationship, because of the constant shower of compliments, you will likely see all of this as sweet, caring gestures and not malicious or harmful in any way, when in reality it is training your brain to be in a completely codependant relatonship.
Eventually they will start to try and separate you from your family the same way they are your friends by telling you that they aren't comfortable around your family, your family doesn't like them or they are also trying to tear you apart and that the two of you will make it even if it is you against the world.
Once you are dependent on the compliments you are getting fed, there will start to be little digs on your personality, looks, intelligence, anything really to break you down. They won't necessarily be so obvious that you will notice, either. Statements like, "Wow you sure are moody today" or "You are really lucky that you have me, who else would deal with your (hair, mess, disorganization, attitude, etc)
After being fed so many degrading comments over a period of time, it will break you down into nothing. You will feel worthless, like you don't deserve better. If the person you are in a relationship with at that time is physically abusive, this is typically where it will begin. The fights will get worse and will often involve your abuser tearing you down emotionally as well as physically followed almost immediately with a string of apologies and compliments, once again saying that they don't deserve you and that they will change. Often there will also be empty promises that they will attend counciling or anger management to control themselves better.
For most people that do get out it's either because they have an amazing support system of people that are unwilling to allow the relationship to continue and give up on the victim of abuse or because the victim has a huge wake up call of some sort....the unfortunate part to this is that several victims jump from one abusive relationship to the next without any sort of resolve. It can take a long time to bring back your self worth after being in such a relationship....
So, yes, I would leave an abusive relationship, and after having my eyes opened, would hopefully have the smarts to get out before it gets bad.
i have never been in an abusive relationship. my ex have slapped me once... which i am still surprise she did...but anyway she did hit me. what did i do? ... nothing. i am totally against abuse in any form when your in a relationship. i will never abuse my partner.. that is just not in me. and being androgynous and falling for femme girls that cant even mash a fly...so if i so much as lay one finger.. need i say more..
i think abusers are in my opinion pathetic and selfless.
Plain & simple - NO! I know I can never truly understand the pain someone goes through with abusive relations because I have never been on one, but, all I can say is I can imagine how much pain a person has to endure to make up their mind that enough is enough. Remember, there are people out there willing to listen to you and love you for who you are and what you're worth. So seek help and never give up on staying in that situation.